


The Boyfriend You've Always Wanted

by SugarCrystal



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Humour, M/M, Prompt Fill, Shapeshifting monsters, Unrequited Crush, sexy smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 16:17:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11256528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/pseuds/SugarCrystal
Summary: From a prompt: "Lister/Rimmer. Anything with either Rimmer or Lister seeing the other when faced with a Psiren or Pleasure GELF and the others finding out. Humour please!"





	The Boyfriend You've Always Wanted

Lister hauled himself out of his bunk early in the morning, by his standards, which meant everyone else was long awake and probably doing something, and pulled his trousers on. A quick wash and shave and a cursory brushing of teeth and he went in search of coffee.  
As he passed the cockpit, he stopped and stared in disbelief. Rimmer was sitting - no, lounging - in one of the chairs with his feet up on a console, smoking a cigarette. 

"Rimmer, man, what you doing? What you wearing? Is that my jacket? Have you been raiding my wardrobe?" Lister blurted out questions in quick succession as his mind tried to process what he was seeing.

"Well, you know," Rimmer responded easily. "I thought it was time I lightened up."

Lister remembered dressing Rimmer's body in his own style during the swapped bodies incident. When he'd looked in the mirror, he'd been quite shocked to see how attractive Rimmer looked in a leather jacket. Rimmer was pulling off that look nicely again now.  
And what was with the smoking? Rimmer had been known to smoke cigars very occasionally but never cigarettes and never in such a casual manner. Actually, those were Lister's cigarettes that Rimmer had helped himself to, Lister realised. Which was something he ought to have been annoyed about but, for some reason, he didn't seem to mind.

Rimmer took a deep drag and casually blew the smoke in Lister's direction. "What do you think, Listy?"

"You look...," _smegging edible_ , his brain filled in. "Good," he finished lamely.

Rimmer smiled, a genuine smile rather than a sarcastic smirk, and reached up an arm. "Come here, Listy," he said warmly and caught Lister around the waist, pulling him down to sit in his lap.

"What you doing, man?" Lister gasped in shock. 

Rimmer said nothing, he simply took another slow drag of the cigarette and offered it to Lister. Lister helplessly went along with things and took it. For some reason, his mind was telling him it tasted of Rimmer's mouth, which was quite a turn on, even though it was logically impossible.

One of Rimmer's hands worked its way under Lister's t-shirt and began lightly caressing his skin, his fingers moving in slow circles. "Like that, Listy?" he asked softly.

Lister's mind struggled to make sense of the situation, he was sitting on Rimmer's lap, sharing a cigarette and being felt up. Not that he minded that, it was just that it had come out of nowhere and made no sense. Maybe Rimmer was ill?

Rimmer removed the cigarette from Lister's unresisting fingers and took another drag before handing it back again. His wandering hand slipped out of Lister's t-shirt and over the back of Lister's trousers, caressing his buttocks through the fabric.

"Rimmer, are you ill?" Lister asked carefully. "You haven't caught another holovirus, have you?"

Rimmer silenced him by touching his index finger to Lister's lips. "Sshh," he said softly. "Just let it happen."

His voice was soothing as well as sexy and Lister felt his concerns melt away, he gave in to it and had another drag of the cigarette.

"I know you want it, Listy," said Rimmer softly. "So just let it happen."

Yes, he did, he did want it. He had wanted it for a long time.

Rimmer took the cigarette back and finished it then stubbed it out on the console before he slid out of the chair, pulling Lister down with him. Lister's stomach flipped over as he and Rimmer sank to the floor together.  
Rimmer caught hold of Lister by the shoulders and lowered him onto his back, Rimmer on top of him. Lister swallowed heavily, he looked up into Rimmer's eyes, saw them burning with lust and felt his cock stiffen.

"Rimmer...," was all he could manage to say.

"I want to take you right here on the floor," Rimmer purred. "And afterwards we can go back to your bunk and eat chicken vindaloo off of each other's naked bodies."

This was getting weirder and weirder, Rimmer didn't even like vindaloo.

"I know all about your secret dirty fantasies, Listy," Rimmer continued in a low seductive tone, "and I'm going to make them come true."

Lister briefly wondered how Rimmer could possibly know about any of that but his mind was becoming more clouded by the second, thoughts were breaking apart and drifting away before he could give them any real attention. Rimmer's lustful gaze was hypnotic. Lister could only stare into his eyes, unmoving as Rimmer stroked his cheek and whispered, "I'm going to be the boyfriend you've always wanted, Dave." 

Some part of Lister's fogged mind was struggling to try and tell him there was something very wrong here but it was silenced by Rimmer's lips on his. Lister closed his eyes and snaked his arms around Rimmer's shoulders, pulling him closer. Rimmer's lips were as delicious as they'd always looked...,  
Lister's mind gave up completely, his whole world shrank down to Rimmer, Rimmer's embrace, Rimmer's hands, Rimmer's lips. There was a commotion outside the door but that didn't matter.

"Sir!" He heard Kryten's voice but it barely registered. "Mr Lister, Sir, we've got...,"

Rimmer pulled away from the kiss as Kryten crashed through the door, bazookoid in hand, followed by Cat and..., _Rimmer_. Lister looked helplessly from one Rimmer to the other.

"..., a Psiren on board," Kryten finished.

"Oh my God," said the Rimmer in the doorway, sounding utterly disgusted. "That's me! That's meant to be me!"

Released from the Psiren's gaze, Lister's brain snapped into gear and he realised what he was lying underneath of. He rolled over and away from it as it assumed its true form and reared up in attack mode. 

"Why'd he want to snog you, Goalpost Head?" demanded Cat over the noise.

"Sir, just shoot," Kryten interrupted, unleashing bazookoid fire. The Psiren screamed as it was hit by a double volley of bazookoid blasts and exploded all over the cockpit. 

"Oh, just look at that mess!" Kryten groaned. "And I'd only cleaned in here last night too. Excuse me, Sirs, I'll just fetch a mop and bucket."

Lister suddenly realised his mouth was covered in Psiren slime and wiped it on his t-shirt in disgust, trying not to think about what he'd just been kissing. Now that his mind was back to normal, the taste was repugnant and he felt quite nauseous. On top of everything else, he still had a raging stiffy, though fortunately his baggy trousers did a good job of hiding it.

"That was me," Rimmer was repeating over and over in a high-pitched squeak. "That was me, Lister. Me you were rolling around on the floor with, that was...,"

"Oh, put a sock in it, Rimmer," Lister snapped and stalked off. 

"Hey, why him?" insisted Cat, following Lister. "That thing can look like _anyone_ , so why Goalpost Head? Why not me, Buddy? I mean, I'm the best looking guy around here. You telling me you'd rather snog Grand Canyon Nostrils than me?"

"Don't take it personally, Cat," Lister responded irritably and shut himself in the kitchen.

"How am I supposed to not take it personally?" Cat wailed from the other side of the door. "Alphabet Head's more desirable than me? I'm about ready to commit suicide!"

"But why me? Why? It doesn't make any sense!" came Rimmer's voice from the cockpit, still sounding like he'd inhaled a tank of helium.

Lister could hear Kryten's voice replying but couldn't make out the words from here. Whatever Kryten had to say in response, Lister suspected it was something horribly embarrassing.

He sagged back against the kitchen door with a groan and buried his face in his hands. Smegging hell; he'd almost had his brains sucked out, he was painfully hard, he'd got a mouthful of slime, Cat was distraught, he was going to have to face Rimmer later. And he still hadn't had his coffee.


End file.
